First Hand

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I thought she would have my back— but I thought wrong.

I should’ve known that humans, no matter what they promised, were always more keen and more eager to save themselves at the end of the day.

For me, I saw Jay as someone who would be able to have my back more than anyone else in the committee. She was someone who would release and rant her dislikes and disapproval to me at the end of the day because we often share the same thoughts. But because we were never in the position nor did we have the legitimate power to go against the others’ standpoints and opinions, we would choose to talk about it.

We had so many things to settle for an event, a concert— and she knew; and I wanted to quit being part of the committee because I couldn’t take the burden. But she told me to stay, saying that one of the team members had dropped out.

And I stayed because—

“Don’t leave me alone to work with them.”

And I idiotically took her advice; stayed even though I knew I was gonna receive flak for how I was handling things. I stayed because I didn’t want to leave her alone either, I was ready to take everything just as long as she would be able to have a hearing ear to rant to.

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And through it all, she assisted me and helped me in every way she could, and I couldn’t thank her enough. I felt indebted towards her, asking her every now and then how the transactions of items went, or how things were with the dealer we had to contact.

She kept saying that things were going fine, until 2 days before the event days— I was told that my campaign my be cancelled.

“Do you even care about the campaign?”

“Did you even ask her how things were?”

“Do you really want the whole campaign to get cancelled?”

I was so confused and I have never felt so attacked in my life before. All the while when they questioned, no— interrogated me; she simply watched and subtly smirked. She smiled and didn’t back me up nor help justify me.

She was the only one who knew how much I asked. She knew. But she didn’t utter a single word.

Now she acts as if nothing happened between us, she still talks about the concert; the concert that I forcefully quit and didn’t get to enjoy even though I had been waiting to attend for one whole year.

I knew I didn’t deserve to have the right to enjoy the product of our efforts because I didn’t put in as much as they did. But I guess not many people understand the term self-retribution

And now I’m forced to act as if I’m fine with everything.
That I’m fine with her not standing up for me.
That I’m fine with her thrusting a blade right through my heart, even when I had pleading tears in my eyes.

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